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funny instagram captions

  1. Don’t give up on your dreams. keep sleeping.
  2. I am not lazy, I am just on save energy mode.
  3. How do you call a pig that does karate? Pork Chop
  4. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I am not so sure.
  5. Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
  6. What do you call a bear with no ears? EARS!
  7. Best friends. Because anyone else heard our conversations we’d end up in the mental hospital.
  8. Nothing is lost until your mother can’t find it.
  9. I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waste of time.
  10. Nobody is perfect. My name is Perfect!
  11. Last name Ever, first name Greatest.
  12. Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
  13. Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re probably drunk.
  14. Life was much easier when apple and blackberry were just fruits.
  15. Please God, if you can’t make me thin, make my friends fat.
  16. Life doesn’t have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.
  17. An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
  18. During the day I didn’t believe in ghosts. At night I become a bit more open-minded.
  19. Sometimes I wish I was a bird. So I could fly over certain people and shit on their heads.
  20. Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.
  21. Life is very complicated. Don’t try to find answers because when you find the answers, life changes the questions.
  22. The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.
  23. I hate when people see me at  the supermarket and they are all like “Hey, what are you doing here?” And I’m just like, “Oh, you know hunting elephants.”
  24. The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.
  25. When my bra matches my underwear, I really feel like I have my life together.
  26. Did you know that DIET stands for: Did I Eat That?
  27. Seeing a spider in my room isn’t scary. It’s scary when it disappears.
  28. That awkward moment when you see twins fighting and one of them calls the other ugly.
  29. I hate it when I’m singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.
  30. Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
  31. I am a ninja. No, you are not. Did you see me do that? Do what? Exactly
  32. There is no angry way to say bubbles.
  33. Don’t interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you’ll hear some crosswords.
  34. Don’t worry, Beyonce.
  35. Life happens. Coffee helps.
  36. If you fall, I will be there. Signed: Floor.
  37. Be a Warrior, not a Worrier.
  38. Funny how just when you think life can’t get any worse, it suddenly does.
  39. Dear life, when I said, “Can my day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
  40. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. Just like Monday does on Earth.
  41. What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing “k” instead of “ok”?
  42. When you are Downie, eat a brownie.
  43. Don’t worry about getting older. You still get to do stupid things, only slower.
  44. All we have is NOW.
  45. When nothing goes right, go left
  46. Life is like a toilet paper. Either you’re on a roll or you’re taking shit from asshole.
  47. All my life I thought the air was free. Until I bought a bag of chips.
  48. When your ex texts you after months, “Hey, what’s up?”. Not today Satan, not today.
  49. This life is hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.
  50. Of curse, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
  51. I stopped fighting my inner demons. We’re on the same side now.
  52. we made it, it’s Friday!
  53. When I feel a little down, I put on my favorite high heels and dance
  54. I need a six month holiday, twice a year
  55. This seat is taken.
  56. I wasn’t lucky, I deserved it
  57. you are enough.
  58. Disturb your friends all the time.
  59. I must destroy you with hugs and kisses
  60. Keep smiling because life is a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about
  61. Smile 🙂
  62. Oh you’re a model? What’s your agency, Instagram?
  63. Stop looking for happiness in the same place you just lost it
  64. What if I told you, you can eat without posting it on Instagram
  65. The only F word out a woman’s mouth that scares me is “fine.”Crossfit? I play real sports
  66. There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
  67. I don’t have Ex’s, I have Y’s. Like “Why Did I ever date you?”
  68. Puts selfie on top of tree because I’m the
  69. stop stop, I’m gunna pee
  70. Hey good lookin, can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
  71. Friendship is about finding people who are your kind of crazy.
  72. I don’t have time for part-time people in my life.
  73. Best Friends make good times better and hard times easier!
  74. You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you along the way
  75. Every tall girl needs a short best friend.
  76. Sometimes being with your best friend is all the therapy you need.
  77. Friends are like condoms, they protect you when things get hard.
  78. Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me—I’ll laugh at you.
  79. Every tall girl needs a short best friend.
  80. Friday – My second favorite F word.
  81. A true friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg, even though they know you’re slightly cracked.
  82. I love making friends. I usually prefer to make them out of plaster and give them funny looking hats.
  83. Unexpected friendships are the best ones.
  84. Do you remember the times we had? Let’s bring it back.
  85. Pizza and you are all I need
  86. Surround yourself with people who get you. My advice to you all – Don’t lose me.
  87. We go together like Coffee and Donuts.
  88. Don’t take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive.
  89. Do you remember the times we had? Let’s bring it back.
  90. Find your tribe. Love them hard.
  91. Life is more fun when you share it with your best friend.
  92. Friends know all your weird stories.
  93. Best friends: they know how crazy you are but still choose to be seen in public with you.
  94. Friends know stories you don’t want to share.
  95. You’re not only my best friend, you’re my best therapist.
  96. I don’t know a perfect people. I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.
  97. here is not a thing better than a friend unless it’s a friend who has a chocolate.
  98. Coffee and Best Friends make the perfect blend.
  99. Happiness is having friends who are idiots.
  100. Best friends are people you can do anything and nothing with and still have the best time.
  101. Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.
  102. Nobody really likes us except for us.
  103. Friendship is always a sweet responsibility for our life.
  104. When I count my blessings, I count you twice.
  105. Happiness means having friends who are simply idiots.
  106. A true friend stabs you in the front.
  107. It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.”
  108. True friends are never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart.
  109. A good friend is cheaper than therapy.
  110. This is my Avenger group.
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